So, here it is. Valentines day. There is a lot to actually be said about Valentines Day. There are those that are all for it and then there are those that aren’t and think that it’s just a glorified Hallmark holiday. Lets not forget those that are for it when they’re not single and hate it when they are. Depending on the person and their situation or their overall belief in love will depend on their opinion of it.
Someone asked me what my true thoughts are on Valentines Day the other day. At first I responded with the first thing that came to my mind and that was that I hate it and I wish it never existed. Then I realized that was me just being bitter. Yes, Bitter, party of 1, my table was ready and I was there. Then I started to think about it some more after we got into a conversation regarding it and I started thinking that I fall into the last category. The one that likes it when I have someone and then hate it when I don’t.
After further thinking and letting myself be a bit emotional, going back and forth on my overall opinion of the ‘holiday,’ I’m still not 100% sure on where I stand. I think I’m going to tell you why as well.
First, you have understand my background. My family is very close and very much loving and caring. We tell each other that we love them, miss them, give each other hugs and share stories about what’s going on in our lives. The majority, and when I mean majority, like 95% of them live up north in the Greater Cincinnati area. For those of you that don’t know, that includes Northern Kentucky where about 93% of them live. I however, do not. I was the black sheep of the family and was really the first one to move far, far away.
Even though I live far away from my family I still stay pretty informed as to what goes on in their lives and vice versa. Well, more along the lines of I know what’s going on with them mostly. I tend to be a bit more secretive as to what goes on with me and for good reason. I don’t like being the least bit vulnerable out of fear of being hurt again.
I’ve put up walls, and for many different reasons. Some of my family has contributed. I would never tell them that because I know what they do is always in what they think is good interest and out of love. While I appreciate everything they try to do, sometimes it comes off the wrong way and I wind up being hurt. I will also bottle that emotion in and not share that with them until something causes me to blow up. It’s unhealthy, but the way that I deal with things.
The majority of my “walls” is because of people that I’ve let myself love and I’m pretty sure loved me too, but in a different way that your family loves you. I’m talking about past relationships; Relationships with men.
Yes, I’ve had relationships with women. All through grade school and middles school and even a bit into high school. At one point, I dated a girl for 3 and half years. I know though, that I hurt her when I told her that I was gay (which I’m sorry that it hurts, but I couldn’t hide who I was any longer). The reason that I bring that relationship up is because I was not the one being hurt as bad. Yes -I was still hurt by it because I really did love her, but it had turned into a different kind of love. If that makes sense at all. I hurt because she was hurting.
I sometimes think to myself. Look at me now. Look at her now. How would things have turned out if I had not been gay or had chosen not to come out of the closet and keep surprising my need and wants for another man? I think the latter would have later ended in a greater tragedy, so I typically don’t think about that one. The first however, I do think about. What if I had not been gay? Would we still be together? Would we have been that dream couple? The ones that fell in love in high school, grow up, get married? Buy a house and have a yard with a fence for kids to play with our dog(s)? Watched our kids grow up and have their own kids and then so forth until one of us eventually dies and the other is so heart broken and in such great mourning that they soon follow suit to be reunited in after life?
Granted it wouldn’t have been THAT easy as with anything you have your ups and downs – but I do sometimes think that it would have been much easier had I been straight. But I’m not. I may sometimes always wonder. But I’m not, I accept that and for the most part I am happy with who I am.
It is however, much more difficult being gay and attempting to have relationships with men. Ask any homo. They’ll probably agree. I would say 99% would agree with that. It’s very difficult. Unless, of course, they are one of those unemotional weirdos that have absolutely no desire or need for another human beings affection.
I am not one of those people. I desire and very much want the affection of another human being. I am a hopeless romantic with a great desire to love another person unconditionally and be loved back. I have done so in the past.
I will not go into grave details about the past relationships that I’ve had in the past, just know and trust me when I say that there was a lot of hurt. A lot of hurt. I’ll just skim over the gory details and just give the very short version.
Boy meets boy. Boy likey boy. Other boy likey girls – or so he thought until one day boy and boy unite in amazing hot night of man on man sex. Yes it was great – and yes there were fireworks. It was like a romance novel or great love story being played out with lots of passion and just .. rawr ..
Boy and boy spent every minute they could together for a really long time after that. Moved in with each other. They had a house, had some “kids” and things were great for the most part, especially when other boy gave the one boy a diamond ring and whispered sweet things to him on how they would be together until the end and that their hearts beat in sync and it was just meant to be.
Gross right? It was amazing though. Not going to lie. But, apparently, all things must come to an end and boy did they come to an end with a screeching halt. Again – no details but boy went crazy.
Since then, I’ve dabbled in dating – all ending in some kind of hurt being put on me. As I said, and will say many, many times. I’m an emotional human being. I wear some of my emotions on my sleeve and keep some bottled up so tight that eventually they explode and it’s not cute when they do. So, I tend to get attached rather quickly and I don’t handle let downs or rejections as easy as most people. By no means do I flip out (it only happened once!), but in the end, it does lead to walls and bitterness.
By bitterness I mean kind of jaded on the outside. But boy, on the inside he is still searching for that human affection and unconditional and desire to love another human being with everything that he has.
Sometimes, I think it’s jealousy. Jealousy for what some other people have and what I want so much. I may want it a lot, but that doesn’t mean I take any guy that comes along. I’m picky.
I’ve taken some chances in the past and obviously they didn’t work out. But I’m not giving up. I will find that person. He exists out there. In the mean time, my Nemo (dog) sure does get a lot of love and affection from me. He is my rock at times. My confidant, if you will. He will never betray me and is always willing to let me hug him and let me be me.
So – going back to what I was talking about earlier in regards to how I feel about Valentine’s Day. I love it. We take so much for granted and it’s just nice to step back one day and say you know what, “I love you.” Because honestly, sometimes you just need to hear it. Need that reassurance.
So – if you have someone that you love – tell them Happy Valentine’s Day and let the know you love them.
So what brought up this post? Well, Valentine’s Day obviously. But I went and watched a movie, “Dear John,” which is based on a book from one of my favorite author’s “Nicholas Sparks.” It’s a love story of course. But something in the movie sparked a nerve on how she just let him drive away knowing what she really wants on the inside is him. That just pisses me off.
I went with my really good friend Ruth. She’s amazing and even though I’ve never met her husband (he’s deployed). The love that those two show for one another is amazing. It makes me so jealous but yet so inspired.
What I mean by inspired is that a while ago, I kind of came to terms with the acceptance that I may never really truly spend the rest of my life with 1 person as I’ve always wanted and dreamed of doing. Maybe it’s just not written in the cards for me, just not meant to be and maybe I have another purpose. LIke my great friendship and always being there for my friends when they’re in need. I had kind of given up. Become ‘cold’ so to say towards love.
Well, now things are kind of changing and I’m not giving up. It will happen. I just have to let it happen. If it’s now or in 10 years, I’m okay with that. Actually, I’m okay if it doesn’t happen again. As they say, “It is better to have loved and be loved, than to never have loved before.” I think that’s how it goes. I know that I have loved. I know that I was loved. I know that I will always love, let it be IN love with someone on that emotional relationship way, or in that great friend and family way.
I posted something the other night on Facebook and Twitter that said: “I’m not perfect. I’m not the answer. I am love. I am fun. I am true. I am…. ME.” Yes, I was intoxicated at the time of posting and was in a mood, but I think it holds true. Some people contacted me privately about it and asked what exactly all this means…. so I’ll explain it here for everyone on how Drunk Jakob was playing this out:
- I am not perfect. This is very true, as no one is, and no one should expect perfection out of me. It’s not going to happen. I am human, I make mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes. I will learn from those mistakes and make things better.
- I am love. This should be pretty evident by the content in this post. But, I know not everyone can put 2 and 2 together so, this means that I am full of love. Love that I like to share with other people. My friends, my family, my kid, and hopefully one day I can connect with another human being once again in a more deeper level so that they may take full advantage of all the love that I have to give.
-I am fun. Well, this is pretty self explanatory. I’m a fun person, or so I like to think. I enjoy having a good time and making the most out of everything. I try to stay optimistic about things and see things for the good. I will make you laugh. I will make sure that you have a good time. I will throw you parties to celebrate things, or just have a random party for friends to get together and have a good time. I like seeing people laugh and have a good time. It warms my heart.
-I am true. I am true to those that I love and will always stand behind whatever decisions they may make. Basically, I got yo back, man! In the same sense, I will never intentionally hurt any of my friends or those that I care about. I will never betray or put your trust in me in jeopardy.
-I am ME. I am who I am, simple as that. Yes, I may change and grow as I learn more and have more experience in life. Doesn’t anyone? But deep down, I still hold the same core values or features that make me, me. You can take it for what you want. You can hate me if you want. You can like me if you want. You can lo me if you want. But take me for me – don’t ask me to be something I’m not. Don’t try to make me into something that I don’t want to be. Because i’m stubborn and will kick and scream the entire time. Take for me for all of me and for what I am. Not just a few traits or characteristics or anything like that. You either get all of me – or none of me.
So, with that being said. Love like you’ve never loved before. Be true to who you are and those that you love. Have fun. Don’t be boring and don’t put things off. Don’t try to be perfect because it’s not going to happen, and in the end; Be yourself; Love yourself; Trust yourself.
Love,
Jakob
I love this guy!
