So, I had a blast tonight with some new and old friends. It was a really good night. I got to visit with someone that I haven’t seen in a few months and shared some good laughs, some memories and relax a bit.
However, a part of me cannot let go of the past. I don’t know why. Life is about moving forward and learning from lessons, and growing from what you’ve learned. But still some things I cannot let go of.
I’m in a mood.
For those of you that know me really well you know that when this happens, you really don’t know what to expect. There are various moods and they can go either way. It’s hard to describe…
Someone this week mentioned I’m kind of like a crocodile… all is smooth sailing and then all of a sudden, like a croc, I go into a barrel roll then back to normal. I can’t deny that this happens. That barrel roll can represent so many types of moods. How long do they last? Sometimes I do not know.
Tonight’s mood is one that I know of very well. It happens occasionally. But for whatever reason, I have reservations about spilling out what I’m feeling.
I try to be a simple person, I really do, but deep down, the more I look at myself I sometimes think that I’m a bit more complex than I want to be. For whatever reason, I’m holding on to things that I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just accept the fact of what I’m fearing? Maybe that’s what is in the cards for me? But I’m stubborn, very stubborn at times, and refuse to believe that’s all I get. I deserve more.
But sometimes, it’s so hard to keep focus and keep the hope up. Everyone tells me I should…….. But how long do I have to?
I mean, not to sound to self absorbed and conceited, but I am a smart guy. I’m also funny and have a good time. I care A LOT about the people in my life; I stand up for what I believe in and what is right… WHY do I suffer with what I do? WHY do people take advantage of me? WHY are people jealous of me? WHY are people scared of me? WHY do people not like me for who I am?
Now, I know, that sense you’re reading this.. you probably like me for who I am and are thinking that I’m crazy for even writing that.. But.. why is it that those people that I ‘crush’ on, per se, not lik me?
Granted, I know, that I tend to fall for the wrong types of people… But I know that there has to be someone that can relate to me. Someone that can suit my needs, wants, wishes, and care for me for who I am….
Ugh.. But where is that person? I know that I have several great friends that can fulfil those needs…. But.. it’s that.. they’re friends and I don’t forsee it ever being more. One reason being because I’m not attracted to girls, and another because I’m not willing to risk great friendships on soemthing like that.
Maybe that’s it… Maybe I’m afraid to take a risk? Is it because everytime I take a a risk that I’m the one that gets hurt? Am I a coward?
I don’t know.. maybe it’s just rambling,…. again, I’m in a mood and feeling reserved…. maybe it does make you go crazy?
I have so much to say – but afraid that It’ll just wind up hurting me in the end… I don’t know..Maybe I’m bitter… Maybe I’m just damaged goods? Maybe I’m too weak?
If you can figure this out…
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