So I’ve sat down (or laid down) to my computer several times over the few weeks to write a blog post. This post like none other. A true look into the heart and sould of what I’m thinking and what makes me, me.
Ive not been able to do that. For some reason everytime I come to the keyboard and login.. All ambition to complete it is gone and I have no idea why.
I type a few things and then I just cancel or I sit and stare at the white box with my little blinking cursor. I ask myself why I can’t do it?l I get frustrated and move on to do something else. I think part of me knows why I just can’t come to the truth to explain it.
People say that they’ve been worried. I’m not sure why. I understand that I have been a little bit more reserved lately. I feel that it’s necessary. I’ve put myself in a position that I must be more reserved in order to get what I want. I need to learn to stop being such an emtional reactor and emotionally open with everyone.
Futhermore, my reservations come admist the time that I’ve come to accept other things going on in my life.
For example in just a couple of months I’ll be moving into my own apartment which is a 1 bedroom. It will be just me. For the first time in my life I’ll be living alone. This is rather scary, yet very exciting. For those that know me very well, I hate failing and scared to death to fail at doing that. I’m confident that I can make it work though. I will make it work. Me. Myself. I will do it.
You might be thinking that I’m being a bit over-dramatic about it. That’s fair enough. You have to understand something. I have a fear. We all have fears though you say. Spiders, snakes, cats, heights, enclosed spaces, airplanes, butterflies…. Whatever it may be.. Yes, I’m afraid of some of those things as well…. Two of my biggest fears are as follows:
- Atychiphobia – The fear of failure….
- Eremophobia – The fear of lonliness
Heh.. should I be mean and make you google what those actually are or should I explain them out? Okay I’ll go back up there and explain….
I’m pretty much being forced to face all of them at once.
I’m being positive about it however and am willingly facing those fears. I’ve got my fists up and I’m ready to fight.
♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊
On top of that above, someone recently came about that decided they were going to dig up some graves in which I had bured a lot of dead memories and emotions. It mad me want to put them in a grave… but something tells me I wouldn’t do good in prision. Just sayin.
As quickly as they came up they are now gone… Hopefully. I really don’t understand why people purposely, after years, pop up just to hurt you.
So… you’re curious as to who this person is aren’t you? Well too bad. You’re not going to find out. All I will say is that this perons used to be a really good friend and knew a lot of stuff about me, I mean, A LOT and then turned around and used all of that information to hurt me.
I thought they were gone forever before… and then all of a sudden I get Facebook Friend Request. I did of course, deny it. How could I possibly approve the request after what they did to be me in the past? When I needed them the most they decided to hurt me the most.
After a few days I think this person realized I was not going to approve the request and decided to send me a very long Facebook Message followed by a MySpace Message, an Email, a Text Message, and a Phone call, that lead to a voicemail…. Thank god they didn’t remember I had Twitter… sheesh.
Each one was more hurtful than the last… Each one was a skeleton out of the closet…. each one was a dug up grave…. I sat and cried for like 3 hours.
For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to delete the messages.. I had to read them. At first, I thought it was going to be an apology message or something like that… WRONG! But I still had to read.. maybe, just maybe they’d explain why they did what they did…They did… and it hurt me even more….
(Side note: Nemo looks so freakin’ cute right now).
It went something like this, and excuse me, I must paraphrase and put them altogether….
I’m sorry that you’re just a low emotional wreck of a human being. I saw you as weak and too overly trusting and had to play with the situation. I did everything I could go get to know you and then to use it as my little experiment to use all of that information and crush you, and wear you down until you felt like the worthless human being that you are. I rather enjoyed sitting back and watching your life fall apart. You did it to yourself…. You should have just killed yourself a long time ago… You’ll never be happy. You will be a miserable, lonely, old man with nothing but dogs to keep you company. You are incapable of being loved. You’re annoying, a worthless human being…..
Thats pretty fucked up right? I can’t believe I ever trusted this person. It was a nightmare, and It was like reliving it. Well whatever that 2nd experiement is.. I wil not be apart of it. But it just sucks cus everything that I had buried away came rushing back in the matter of a few hours….. I mean
E V E R Y T H I N G.
So needless to say I’ve been having a pretty crappy past week. I was looking forward to having a great weekend and move on and do other things. I had a pretty good time this weekend… There’s more to it that I cannot say… but it wasn’t the best weekend I’ve ever wanted.
Anywho, it’s time to go to bed, and I’ve been distracted a few times so I’ve lost my rythym and focus…. I think I’m going to go to bed now.. I wish it was still storming… it fits.
You def are not a weak person! Thank you for sharing this; wish I could write as well as you — well, actually, as truthfully.
Sometimes, I believe, the goal of that person that you so deeply trust is to use what you offer them to tear you down just so that they can feel superior to you and then they can step in to rescue and resurrect you so as to be the/your hero. Then you can open up even more and trust ever deeper just to have the cycle begin again.